where are the men?
Three authors explore relationships with patriarchy, and its effects, answering the question, Where are the Men? Essay by Danielle Coates-Connor, reflections by Lawrence Barriner II, and poetry by David Schwartz.
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BONUS: two additional pieces by Danielle: the Crush Life Manifesto Forward and essay “Love Whoever You Want” - a moment of family reckoning.
Where Are the Men?
by Danielle Coates-Connor
"If we don't do our work we become work for other people."
- Lama Rod Owens*
This question, where are the men, involuntarily came to me during 7-days of silent meditation. Not the analytical process of understanding how the society is structured, more an undesired remembering in my body and consciousness of assault, in all of its forms. Where are the men? Allowing myself to grieve.
Butch, bitch, bulldog, man-hater. Real things I’ve been called by angry men.
Sitting with the disappointment. Strong enough to hold rage, withstand an assault. Keep it moving.
Where are the men?
These men, the sneakiest ones, stand at the front of the room and put themselves forward as an example of how things should be. They pursue their desires and see themselves as forces of good in the world, running countries, companies, organizations, financial systems, families. Men in their heads, baby boys in their bodies. Like teenage boys, smashing mailboxes and speeding off into the night. Restitution in some cases, usually not. It’s exhausting. Do they even know how much emotional work people are doing in the wake of them?
Saying that is dangerous, depending who you are.
Where are the men? There is no point to prove. Except for the new generations, I don't need to teach them. I don't need to protect them, not the grown ones. I don't need to hold space for them when I can't. Releasing that burden, and opening to my desire. Letting go.
Where are the men? Too many women cry about their beloved men who lack emotional maturity. Too many women are afraid to share their deepest desires with the person who they love the most. If all hours spent thinking about how to communicate to fragile men were reallocated to something generative, imagine the possibilities.
Where are the men? Strong stories arise as I sit in the meditation, crying. Silent in the lunch line, images of disappointing men who abused me, betrayed me, inflicted harm and pain on me. I shift my attention to love. Who are the men who love me? My mind is blank. I think of one, then another. Do they love me? A walk in the woods, the first day since fall outside with no jacket. A couple more men, remembering. Yes. I trust myself, and them. The sun through the trees, sitting on an a mossy boulder allowing the pain to release.
Where are the men? Long meditation retreat, silent. I ask again, mind shifting. Walking behind someone slow in the corridor, the urge to hurry. Slowing down. The men are sick, back to the beginning of time in some lineages. Sick from being told they should not feel. Sick from not having the space and time to develop their emotions. Sick from needing to survive in the external world, lacking the heart capacities to fully be present in this moment. Healthy men needed.
Mind won’t quit, it is loud. The men are sick from patriarchy. I sit with it, I feel for them, I know. And I have a moment of realization that I am not sick. I am free. Staying with the breath. Spaciousness from the dynamic. The women who love them are sick. Seeing, I am that too. Separate and participating. We are. The sisters are sick. The friends are sick. The society is sick. Violence against races, religions, sexualities, genders; patriarchy is not selective. Hungry beast.
We are free when nurturance** replaces supremacy. Some call the quality of caring feminine. I was socialized as a woman, and my nurturance capacity was developed. But as I sit with the masculine in my own self, I reject the notion that men are not naturally nurturing, and propose that this quality of nurturance is the pinnacle capacity to develop in the society in order to correct our trajectory. Or if it's too late for that, to at least be able to hold one another well in small groups as the dumpster fire burns.
Nobody is becoming more healthy from these persistent harmful dynamics. The masculine instinct to intellectualize, take urgent action, compartmentalize, dismiss externalities, act out in violence, blindly pursue one's own desire - inserting the value of nurturance guides people back into the body and to considering impact.
Hold each other, men. Tell each other. Learn how to actually feel what you already have. Intimate relationships are where we learn what we have taken for granted. Allow it to bring tears. The men are here, learning new ways. Nurturance is a porthole into mutual potential.
Silence releasing. This too can heal.
* I took a community class with Lama Rod Owens on his book Love and Rage: The Path of Liberation Through Anger. “An exploration of our relationship with anger and our individual and collective trauma, inviting us to deeply come to know our rage and to accept it -- and learn how to use the wisdom contained within anger as ground for our liberation.” We talked about many forms of oppression, including white supremacy and patriarchy, what they have caused over time, and how to relate with the grief and anger from our societal vantage points, understanding the whole.
** Turn This World Inside Out: The Emergence of Nurturance Culture by Nora Samaran proposes nurturance cultures as the opposite of rape culture. “Violence is nurturance turned backwards.”
